So, I was seeing this guy. During the beginning times of my separation with Chris.
Now, I only actually spent time with him in real, actual person twice. The rest was 85% emailing, 5% phone-talking, 10% gmail chatting. Yeah, so not a good way to run a relationship. Text is difficult to decipher. Not, um, literally, but, you know, meaning-wise, tone, inflection, like that. In retrospect, it was dumb. Just dumb. I took this relationship seriously. Though, I just had to force myself to not put the quotation marks around relationship, to emphasize it's complete and utter fakiness.
I was going to explain more
But for now, right now, I am just getting that I filled in some of the blanks in who he was all by myself, loosely based on how I approach the life and the people. Funnily, 'most every fight (again, I really wanted to put the quotes around that word) had everything to do with me thinking I knew what he was thinking. Ha! I didn't. And I was nearly always wrong. Oh, and I often used the words "seemed" and "seems," and apparently the way things appear to me is vastly different than perhaps it comes across to the others. Vastly.
I had no idea.
I did guess and assume that the other people basically feel and seem and do pretty much as I feel and seem and do. Turns out, um, no. No, they do not.
So I filled in the blanks and created a much more me-friendly version of him. Worked for a few months, in that emaily, chatty way. And, the second/last time I saw him, it was a very companionable, fun, pleasant visit. After that, it all just fell right apart. He is so not who I wanted him to be. Who I decided he is.
I suppose I needed that, to make up a person. I fell into it pretty hard and fast, and I fell out of it slowly and disbelievingly. Verrry slowly. And it hurt. It hurt down into my bones. You know that hurt.
I also suppose at the time, I was down pretty far myself, so of course I attracted someone else on that level. It felt better at first, but I did grow out of it quickly. Just took me a long, long time to catch up with myself. Still catching up. Will always be catching up.
But looking back, as I have been doing tonight and lately, I am honestly baffled. Confounded, even. Befuddled. Heh. There are many cool words for confused. I'll bet you know a couple, too, don't you?
This isn't exactly what I wanted to write. There is more than this in here. I am so out of practice with the writing.
Bear with me, okay? I need to catch up with myself here, too.
Comments (10)
I like that phrase, "...a more me-friendly version of him."
Sigh, wish I didn't know what you're talking about, but I do. It's a big stone in center of the chest.
Maybe today has some distraction waiting; one that's more honest, more transparent.
Posted by lu | September 19, 2006 7:55 AM
Hi, Trish! I think you write great. You always seem so much deeper and witty (even when you're writing sad stuff ... you're just bursting with the wit) than I'll ever be. You made up a whole person's identity to fill in the blanks. A fill-in-the-blanks guy. Geez, girl, that's deep (and clever ... that's one of those perfect solutions things that would have never occurred to me).
Anyway, what I'm trying to say awkwardly is that I heart you. I still wish you lived nearby so that we could get mani's and pedi's together and then have lunch like grownups.
Posted by The Scarlett | September 19, 2006 8:01 AM
It's good to "hear" you again.
Hello, Trisha.
Posted by scott | September 19, 2006 8:08 AM
Glad you are back I have missed you - you capture moments so beautifully, even painful ones...
Posted by lizziepea | September 19, 2006 8:52 AM
I think we all do that trish. We make the world and the people in it what works for us. We demonize them, we beatify them, we make things what we need them to be to put one foot in front of the other. So don't be down on yourself
Posted by kelly | September 19, 2006 8:54 AM
good post. I think the most likely time for something like this to happen is when you're coming out of a long relationship and there's that gaping hole that wants filling. It takes guts to just leave it empty. But leaving it empty seems to be the best way to guarantee that when it does fill itself in, it'll be with something real.
Great photo.
Posted by marian | September 19, 2006 9:19 AM
Hi Trisha!
I think we all create a fantasy man at some point. Sometimes it is easier for us to cope if we believe ourselves to love a certain someone although they are nothing like the fantasy. It is better that you discovered the reality before you were sucked into something you do not need. :-)
Posted by Brenda | September 19, 2006 10:40 AM
wow, this comments page is bizarre-looking. at least on this computer. i didn't know the background wasn't white until i went upstairs. maybe this page looks better up there.
anyway.
thanks, y'all.
for me, i felt like i spent so much time not being heard or understood or something. which is the void i was trying to fill.
then i realized i needed to understand and listen to myself. heh. imagine that!
i suppose it's why i picked someone who lives half a continent away. low maintenance, no actual contact. he was there but he so wasn't.
Posted by t | September 19, 2006 12:03 PM
I think everyone does that--creates a more me-friendly version of those we're dating. I know I was pretty disappointed in myself when I recognized how insidious it was when college bf broke my heart.
Sigh.
On the other hand, staying in the game is the best way to unlearn that, I think.
Posted by maya | September 19, 2006 3:03 PM
I second what Scott said. Glad you're back.
Posted by Julie | September 20, 2006 9:22 PM