A few years ago, my then-therapist told me I am defiantly self-sufficient. I chuckled. that sounded exactly right. And that continued to be right until recently. Until the abortion.
I was all set to be defiantly self-sufficient. To get it all taken care of without telling anyone else at all. I would take care of it. Done.
Except I finally felt how destrcutive the defiant self-sufficiency is to me, and how little credit I give those I love when I keep it all inside me.
The kicker this time was that Robbie would be involved, and there was honestly no way I would involve him in my mess. Just no way. That simple. And that got me thinking about me. Was there a better way to handle the mess? Did I deserve to take care of me, too? Did the mess *have* to be messy? Could the mess feel better? Could I feel better? Did I have the guts? Would those I love love me back? Could I possibly not go through this emotionally alone?
And, obviously, I chose what was best for Robbie, and, surprisingly, for myself as well.
I told my mom. I told Chris. Chris stayed home from work to be with Robbie and to take him to school. My mom came with me.
I have never really trusted enough. Not in my family, not in myself. But this time I did. And the mess wasn't so messy.
Comments (4)
Trisha,
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry you've gone through this. I'm so glad you talked this time to those you love, and who love you. I, too, come from a family of non-talkers, even when we should. It must have been very hard, and I'm so glad they responded just the right way, as you deserve. I've been weeping just sitting here catching up with you. ((( )))
Posted by moreena | October 21, 2006 10:40 AM
I don't trust easilly. My family abandoned me and turned their backs when I needed them the most. I don't trust them. I want to trust people, but I can't. I'm glad you were able to trust people, and they didn't let you down.
Posted by Heather | October 21, 2006 6:14 PM
It takes crazy amounts of bravery to trust; especially your mother and your ex.
You are here by bestowed the title and privileges as Knighted Lady Trisha-lot.
Posted by lu | October 22, 2006 9:30 AM
I used to be the same way. I think it's important to be that way at least some time in your life. It's awful when you find yourself dependent on someone and they don't or can't help you. So knowing you can make it on your own is important.
But I've learned, too, that although interdependence, as I like to call it, is a risky business, it's also a healthy one, and a warmer, more loving one.
Posted by marian | October 23, 2006 10:59 AM