trickydoodle

Seriously. Like I need to look like crap, too? Man. Harsh. I also have dull, lifeless hair and weird bloating. Man hands, puffy stomach, giant boobs. Wouldn't think this much would happen in six weeks, would you? And it's been another six days since, uh, the procedure. The tissue-removal. The termination.

The hormones also make me weepy. Hits at odd times. Or maybe not. Maybe not odd at all. Like yesterday, Robbie and I were playing outside before school, jumping in the huge pile of leaves Chris set up for him. An aside, that's a no-no in our neighborhood. You have to blow each leaf to the curb as soon as it falls, and then spray them down with the hose so they stay put. And you have to put large tree branches on top of the whole shebang so no one will play in the piles or drive through them. Spoilsports.

So, anyway, we're jumping and rolling in the leaves, having a Big Time, laughing, being, and it hits me. I start weeping. Just weeping. Weeping sounds sadder than crying or bawling, right? Weeping. It sounds helpless. And I felt helpless. Who are we to laugh and be when I have done this thing? This procedure. Termination. Abortion.

Yet, I don't consciously think, gee, I could have had a baby. Somehow these emotions and instincts are tucked way inside, and only the flow of hormones flushes them out. And they take over everything. My entire brain. My body. My giant breasts throb, as if they were full of milk. My stomach feels the nausea. I get a little dizzy. Clammy. Cold.

But then it passes. Leaving only a pounding in my head and acne. it's difficult enough for me to make eye contact with people lately, and with the added acne bonus, I want to even less. I am just a Big Freak. I feel like a freak, and I look like a freak. FREAK. I am just waiting for the townspeople to poke me with big sticks. Or their rakes. Yeah, their rakes. They'll poke me into the gutter and hose me down and put big sticks on me. And there I will remain until the enormous Leaf-Collecting Truck swoops by and sucks me up.

Oh.