I don't know why this has been so hard. I usually snap back faster. I'm thinking if I knew why, I might get out of it sooner. But I'm just so very in it. In it so far it's starting to feel comfortable. I don't want misery to fit me. I outgrew it years ago. Several times. And again last year.
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I have never understood the "misery loves company" bit. When I am miserable, I don't want any fucking company. I'm so like, hey, get out of my yard! Go away. Steer clear. The thought of someone miserable wanting to be with other miserable people or to make other people miserable and then collect them makes me kind of sick. It's downright mean.
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Some of you may have read an email I received then posted here earlier. I deleted it because it, too, made me kind of sick. I say enough mean stuff to myself. I don't need to be reminded of mean stuff someone else thinks of me. In fact, I need to cut out the mean entirely. It was one thing to let that person in in the first place. Dwelling on why and how I let it all happen is another. And that doesn't make a right.
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I have a Secret Crush on a man who works at R's school. He is the most best-looking human I have ever seen in real life. Of course he is married. And tall. And so totally someone I would never have a chance with, anyway. It's things like this that I think that are so destructive to me. He's just a man. One I haven't even spoken to, ever. But I look at him and think, wow, there's the guy. It's him. You'll never have him. You're too deeply flawed and not pretty enough.
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I never used to think things like that. Never. This is the first time. I don't like it. I don't know where it is coming from, or why. I don't know how to not care how or why. I don't know anything.
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Except that I have to get out of here. I don't like it. Not at all. I feel too far gone. I don't know what to do.
Comments (9)
The things about "misery loves company" might just mean that when you are in a hole and you find someone else who is in a hole, it's nice to have someone to look at and say "Wow, this hole fucking sucks."
And then you're one step closer to find the way out of that hole.
Hi there. Say, this hole fucking sucks, doesn't it? Let's blow this pop stand.
Posted by Robert Rummel-Hudson | October 26, 2006 8:00 PM
Sigh.
But the cool thing is, that you are beautiful, and lovely and all that is good.
Posted by lu | October 26, 2006 9:47 PM
Aw, thanks.
I am just wallowing at this point.
I have been receiving increasingly cruel emails from the man I used to like. The one who knocked me up. I don't know why I keep reading them. I guess I feel like I deserve it or something.
It must stop.
Posted by trisha | October 26, 2006 10:07 PM
it's always amazing to me that I allow myself to be hurt by the thoughts that go through my head.
Don't know if this will help you, but the mean thoughts in your head, they aren't you, they aren't yours, they're just static, and you can change the channel, shake it off, come into the present moment. Rolling your eyes around in your head (up, right, down, left) helps break up thoughts too. And jumping up and down. Dance. Or getting out and walking around the block, if you can. Doing almost anything out of the ordinary will help break up the malevolent swarm.
Sounds simplistic, but it helps.
Posted by marian | October 27, 2006 9:07 AM
Thanks, M. You are absolutely right.
I just haven't had any time to myself, at all, lately. And I have let this rut become my reality.
I am going to go out and do something silly this weekend. I hope.
Posted by trisha | October 27, 2006 10:06 AM
I saw the email, through bloglines, and it made me want to puke.
I wonder if you know what a helpless feeling it is to want to hug a person and not be able to, because they live in a little (or biggish) computer monitor perched upon your desk? Tres frustrating.
Posted by Jennifer | October 27, 2006 7:00 PM
Here's a useless and inappropriate comment.
Leave the married man alone.
Of course, that had nothing to do with you and everything to do with my own pain.
Posted by Sarahlynn | November 2, 2006 3:08 PM
I would never actively pursue a married man. It's just my own, usual thing to have a crush on the unattainable, perfect man.
I haven't been able to even say hello. So. I am completely harmless.
I was just meaning that lately, I am totally dumb.
Posted by trisha | November 2, 2006 9:21 PM
And I am completely numb. Except when I'm crying of course.
Posted by Sarahlynn | November 6, 2006 12:34 PM