Times like, oh, say, now, I miss the times like, oh, say, a month ago, when I was so fully occupied with my mundanities. I mean, sure, I was even then appreciating the beauties of the things and the people, loving watching Robbie be Robbie, taking my photogs, all that. But, I felt somehow that something was missing.
I guess being a person whose life has been so full of chaos, I was missing the highs and lows of that. Of the chaos. because every now and then I let some chaos back into my mundane.
And, crap. I HATE chaos. I would so rather not have it. Maybe that's my lesson this month. 86 the chaos. Hold the crazy. With a side of normalcy. And I'd like my salad first.
I don't have to struggle. I don't have to and I don't want to. It's okay to be happy. It's okay to feel good. It's even okay to feel crappy and weird. But it is not okay to gauge my life by the level of chaos I can handle. Handling chaos well, while definitely a helpful character trait, isn't anything to brag about, really. great. I am good at allowing fucked up situations into my life. Woo! And oftentimes I can clean them up and move on! Yay!
I'd like to simply read a damned book. Or go running. Or mow my lawn. You know? Calming things, for me, by me.
So, that's what I am going to do.
I am going to listen to myself when I say things like:
"I don't want any new people in my life with crazy, bad situations I have to hear about all of the time."
"I want to have alone time. I need it."
"This is all too much. I can't do it."
"I am happy with what I have right now."
I am going to listen. To me. I am pretty wise in the ways of me.
More of this month's lesson is that I am going to listen to me.
And dull really isn't dull. It's lovely.
Comments (5)
Dull is downright beautiful.
I'm loving this post, t. It sounds so very right on. It sounds like you.
xo
Posted by Jennifer | October 9, 2006 2:41 PM
ditto the love.
Do you think there's a reason for the need to wallow in the chaos and depression for a spell after a big upset?
Or does it just start to wear a groove?
got me thinking.
Posted by lu | October 9, 2006 4:03 PM
I used to think of that wallowing as regrouping.
But I am not sure now if it is necessary. I mean, certainly take care of yourself and be gentle. But I don't think wallowing helps. It's like adding more negative energy on top of negative energy.
Maybe just feel glad you are out of the bad?
It's okay to feel happy, even when things are tough. It's a choice.
Posted by trisha | October 9, 2006 5:07 PM
That seems like something so obvious, but it isn't. Plain, boring, and dull isn't something we experience usually. Sometimes it just is used to bide our time until the next crisis.
Thanks for pointing this out.
Posted by angie | October 11, 2006 7:12 AM
Bravo. I think chaos just makes you feel more solid, because it gives you stuff to react to constantly, which distracts you from the fact that it hurts like hell! The addiction is to the "having something to react to" part.
Posted by marian | October 11, 2006 9:31 AM