Time. It's weird. Sometimes it flies. Sometimes it crawls. It heals all wounds. Even wounds that it has healed before.
I have been trapped in time. Waiting, nervously. Hoping. Praying. Begging. Searching. Searching both my soul and my vagina for signs of the cycle I have been following since I was 10. Searching ever since the night I had to extract the condom from deep inside myself. I knew then. I knew. I still went through the motions of believing everything would be regular.
But, honestly, I never bought it. I knew. I knew my deepest, darkest, scariest, most dreaded fear was a reality. The reality that could kill me. Push me right over the fucking edge of myself. I would be lost. I would not make it. How could I?
How could I possibly make it through the horror, the loathing, the shame, the hopelessness, the loathing? How?!
Because I know. I know I should never engage in something that has consequences that are beyond my scope of coping. Unwanted pregnancy is beyond my scope of coping.
Except it's not.
It's not. Not even when the dread and fear and bile rotted in my throat and in the pit of my stomach for days and days and weeks. Not when every day hurt and made me feel old and tired and used-up and worthless.
part one of at least two.
Comments (7)
I was wondering what that receipt was about and worried you had something bad going on. This, in the grand scheme of what I was thinking, is not so bad.
But it is certainly very heavy.
Posted by maya | October 13, 2006 6:49 PM
you know, i didn't think i was being that cryptic. damn me!
i guess i meant for the other people wanting to be blessed part to get the point across.
problem is, after i write intensely personal stuff like that, i so don't want to even reread it to see if it makes sense. i'll have to work on that!
thanks, maya.
Posted by trisha | October 13, 2006 6:57 PM
I try really hard not to read into what people say unless they say it directly because I don't want to misunderstand or make assumptions. But I think I know what you're talking about, and I'm sending healing thoughts (for all of it) your way.
Posted by Lunasea | October 13, 2006 7:36 PM
As usual, I'm proud to be related to you. I think you've done an incredible job of naming the complexity of feelings that accompany having an abortion, and you've somehow managed to stay emotionally present in the telling. I love you!
Posted by Susan | October 13, 2006 8:56 PM
I would like to ditto Susan's comments, and add one. Your courage to be honest here can have significant impact, not just for yourself, but for others. It's a very brave thing you're doing, even through your own pain.
Posted by Jennifer | October 13, 2006 11:06 PM
Thank you.
I think a few people who read this will think less of me. Maybe not less, but there will be negative thoughts for certain.
I do feel really out on a limb, and posting this makes me cry.
But, honestly, I am fine. The eventual point I will make is that it's all good.
Posted by trisha | October 13, 2006 11:21 PM
You might be right about what some people are thinking, though I have some harsh thoughts of my own for those people. But that anyone could think that this happening to you right now is a good thing, I cannot imagine. Clearly. Too much to bear. And how how how would you keep up with Robbie while being all great with child? Impossible to do alone. Inconceivable. So to speak.
Posted by Sarahlynn | October 16, 2006 10:43 AM