Heh. Now, I have a fairly high tolerance for the pain. Especially in a situation such as this one, where I feel I deserve a bit of pain and that I have no business complaining. No right to complain.
But, man, it hurt SO FREAKING MUCH. So much. I was completely shocked by how much it hurt. Seriously, some serious, freaking, horrifying, deep, blinding pain. It was all I could do to breathe. I conferred with my two abortion friends afterward, and both Megan and Blond Girl said the same. Megan told me she actually was screaming. Loudly. In agony.
Because it does feel and sound exactly like what it is--vacuuming tissues that are implanted into the uterus. Implanted. And, yeah, I keep saying tissues. Tissue. Maybe I should say zygote. Potential human life.
I know there are people who think, good. It should hurt. It should hurt that much. And, you know, as I said up there, I, too, thoroughly believed it ought to hurt. Potential human life. And who am I to have even had sex, what with the consequences. And condoms are only considered 97% effective. I deserve whatever I get.
And so, it hurt. And I took it. And I am still taking it. And it still is much worse pain than menstrual cramping. I've also been bleeding quite a lot and running a slight fever. Still. And the hormones. The hormones hit me like waves, and they knock me right on my ass. Crying jags that feel they will never end. And, really, they haven't. Though, that's more emotional pain, and that's another post entirely.
I will say that while I am crying I am comforted by the physical pain. Again, I feel I deserve it. Okay. Not entirely. Most of me knows that the guilt and fear and the judging are responsible for this line of thinking. Not only in me but in everyone else who shares these beliefs. Maybe some of you do. I don't know. Maybe some of you will examine these beliefs as I am doing. I don't know.
I don't even know if I am examining them.
I do know it was excessive pain. But as it is fading, so is my memory of it.
I won't be as lucky with the emotional pain. That won't fade in one week.
Comments (12)
You're doing an important thing here. Don't be put off that your readers are retreating into "No comment."
You are writing the unwritable, and people have some digesting to do before they can respond.
Know this though: You are changing the lives of those silent people out there. For the better.
What a brave heart!
Posted by Susan | October 15, 2006 11:34 PM
I'm sorry. I used to be so against it when I was younger, but now I think I would make the same choice if I was ever in the position to make a choice. And no, you don't deserve the pain.
Posted by Heather | October 16, 2006 12:04 AM
I understand than line of thinking, that idea that the pain is necessary for recovery. I don't believe it, but I know it. I think you’re due a break from the pain. I hope this morning brings relief. It's a new day Trisha, do something self indulgent. You deserve it
Posted by lu | October 16, 2006 7:42 AM
Trisha I think you're on the right track in that you understand that you feel you deserve the pain. That's why it's so intense. It helps you deal with the guilt to punish yourself with that degree of pain. But it's the guilt that needs to be dealt with and all I can do to help you with that is to say that you have nothing to feel guilty about. You've done nothing wrong.
This is the hardest thing, and I've been there, so please don't hesitate to stay in touch with me via email. You are really doing a good thing in posting all this and being so honest. It will help many other women!
sending you love,
m.
Posted by marian | October 16, 2006 9:33 AM
I don't know about the "no comment" thing. For some reason, I was unable to get your blog to load for several days, so that's why I'm commenting all at once on several posts today. Perhaps I'm not the only one who was experiencing technical difficulties?
Have you read Inga Muscio's book? www.ingalagringa.com/
She describes the pain as you do. And yours are the only two voices I've heard saying so. Thank you for your honesty.
Posted by Sarahlynn | October 16, 2006 10:47 AM
Thanks for the link, Sarahlynn. I am so getting her book.
Yeah, our server was down Friday, I think. I was just starting to feel too far out here is all.
Posted by trisha | October 16, 2006 11:02 AM
Dear Trisha -
You bring tears to my eyes. I had an abortion too, and it was painful. The people who helped me were wonderful, I can never thank them enough for being so kind. It hurt, and all I really wanted to know was "did it hurt the embryo." I do not regret having an abortion. I do regret hurting that being, but it was best that I not become a mother at that point. Not a great thing to be, born to an alcoholic. I'm in recovery now, but not so much then. This is really hard for me to talk about. I just want you to know that I'm out here in etherland loving you and wishing you the best.
You are a wonderful mother. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Posted by anne | October 16, 2006 3:44 PM
I stand in awe of you, on so many levels. And I stand right beside you, on every one.
You're in my heart. I hope you feel better today. If I could, I'd come sit on your porch with you, smoking cigarettes, crying, laughing, being. You know? You know.
xoxo
Posted by Jennifer | October 16, 2006 5:02 PM
I've had your blog entries sitting open for a while, hoping to find words for you, and failing. So *hugs*.
You are brave and inspiring. I'm sorry for your pain.
Posted by lucy | October 17, 2006 12:21 AM
Susan's right, as usual.
I'm very sorry, Trisha. All I can think of is that I wish I could do something to help, to soften your pain. Each moment calls for a new kind of grace and offers a new chance at peace. Here's hoping you can find a wormhole of peace in each present moment. Take it easy on yourself, if you can.
Posted by scotthess | October 17, 2006 8:38 AM
I feel fortunate that I have never been in a place that required this decision. I'm sorry that you had to make one that is causing you so much pain, both physically and even more so...emotionally.
What this proves to me is that I could never think LESS of you. You know how 'big' this is and you respect that, and made a grown-up's decision.
I wish I could help. I'm on your side.
Posted by angie | October 17, 2006 9:49 AM
Thank you, infinitely, everyone.
I haven't been good with words the past few days, but please know that I appreciate you all immeasurably.
Posted by trisha | October 25, 2006 12:45 AM