trickydoodle

Oh, my good God. I am almost completely incapable of forming sentences. Okay, well, I did there. And there.

So I suppose I can construct simple sentences. I simply cannot make them say anything.

And it really, totally sucks ass. I want to connect with the Internets. I do. I love the Internets. Besides, were it not for the Internet and my mother and my aunt, I'd have no one. At all.

It's sad.

It's sad that I find myself wanting so much. I want people. Friends. Friends who are people. I want to get out and do and see and live. With people. Or even a person. Doesn't even have to be anyone tall. One, short, tiny person. I am not opposed to carrying said person in my pocket, if need be.

It's sad because I am not allowing.

I reach out, then I pull back again. And again. And again. And then I feel frustrated that the people don't follow me in an effort to help me and save me and see me and that they don't just know.

I mean, I don't even know.

I want but I do not allow.

It's easy-peasy to write it off as a direct result of giving so much of my time and energies to Rob. Sure. because I do. it's true. But I've been out there before. I can do it.

I just forget how.

I was laying down with Robbie--he had made an intricate nest on the floor with pillows, sheets, blankets (all of which he had thrown down the stairs from the linen closet), a stapler, an empty marker bucket, his numbers photo, a purple, foam letter D, my blue suede handbag, and an abacus--and he started to push me to get up so he could be alone. But, as soon as he started to push me, he stopped and simply said, "Get up."

Holy crap! First time he has ever chosen words over action in that sort of situation. I want to say ever, but I am sure that isn't true. Nearly ever?

Though, today, when we were driving out of the school parking lot, he saw the little red-haired girl getting into her car (she had just lavished him with an elaborate hug in the school foyer), and he said "bye bye!" That counts, too, right?

Thing you need to imagine now is that when he talks spontaneously, he uses this adorable high-pitched voice. but, like, a soft voice. It's the cutest thing. I want to say ever. So, I will. Cutest thing ever.